I am. When I race and when I screw up, which can seem to be pretty often, I am harder on myself than anyone else is. There have been many times I wished I had remembered to put a paper sack in the car to wear over my head when I came back up the return road. One of these days I may do that just to give the guys at the time slip booth something to laugh at.
I must think that everyone including the guy getting popcorn saw my mistake and must be laughing hysterically at me. What do I think they are going to do, boo me or something? I must really think that people care what I did enough to laugh at my mistake. Therein lies the mistake, that most people, one, even notice and two, that they care.
I find myself apologizing to my husband for letting him down. He is always telling me I haven’t let him down and that I should just have fun. I am having fun, just not as much fun as I could be if I wasn’t so hard on myself. I often times hear myself making derogatory remarks about my driving to others in a joke form. Like I’m poking fun at myself, but not in a nice way. That can get old to others. I must sound pathetic like that one round of racing will mean that we won’t eat this week or something. I never thought of myself as a drama queen, but even I get sick of tripping over my bottom lip. One side of my brain is telling me, “You dufus, you have no business being out here.” and the other, more rational side is screaming, “Come on, it’s only racing! Have some fun! Everyone screws up.” You know, things I tell other people.
If I have a bad light or I red light or if I let a guy get around me at the stripe I am always kicking myself and saying I have a great car that has a lousy driver. That is a terrible thing to say and if someone else other than myself had said it to me I’d be fighting mad. So why do I let myself get away with it? Because I have done it for so long I believe it has become a habit. This is a very bad habit that needs to be stopped. Why? Because it is affecting something I love, racing. It’s also affecting the people I love around me like my husband and friends. I’m not sure why I have started to be like this, it may have something to do with my past. I’m not going to waste time however, digging up the past to try and figure out why I feel this way. The past is the past, let’s let it lay there and move on. I can’t change what happened in the past, but there is one thing I do have control over – my thoughts. I must change the way I think which ultimately changes the way I react when things don’t work out at a race.
I know I am always saying encouraging words to other racers who may be having a bad day, so I need to start extending the same kindness to myself. Realizing that everyone has a bad day, that everyone makes mistakes and that my mistake couldn’t possibly be the worst one ever made would be a good first step. Good, seasoned racers have lost every way there is to lose a race. So I must remind myself when I make a mistake that cost me the race I can say with great pride that I am becoming a more seasoned racer - a veteran with more experience than I had when I pulled into the track today.
I also need to remind myself of the times I did really well. I need to tell myself in order to be good, you have to make mistakes. Simple as that. The more mistakes I make then ultimately the better I’ll get. I hope that those of you, who do the same thing, beat up on yourself harder than anyone else does, that you also learn that life is made up of successes and failures. We have to fail so we know when it is we’ve succeeded.
Besides, giving someone else like those in the stands or another racer something to laugh at is a good quality to have. I like to think that when I screw up I bring joy to someone else.
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