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Wednesday, January 4, 2017

The Funny Side of a New Baby & Living Without Sleep

Do you have a new baby in the house? Then you are getting no sleep, am I right? That’s funny!

Ok, so it's not funny to a new parent, but your walking dead type life can appear hilarious to everyone else!

Let me show you.

A new baby brings many changes to our lives, but none more so than the lack of sleep. I'm not sure why nature does this to us or what purpose it serves, but there is no getting out of it. It is a rite of passage.

I remember when mine was brand new and how sleep was just a dream of mine. I firmly believed my lack of sleep would get me in the end though.

I often found myself falling asleep at odd times, but I still stayed somewhat functional. Here are few things you can actually do while sleeping:

  • Sleeping while standing up. Yes you can sleep while standing up like horses and cows do. But beware. Just like cows, you are a candidate for someone to come up and "tip" you. RE: tipping cows. Who would be that mean? An older child, shaking you while yelling, “Mom! Mom!” that’s who.

  • Sleeping while holding a bottle under warm running water. Of course this is done while standing up. Not very ecological to let the water run, but you are too tired to care.

  • Sleepwalking through the living room without stepping on any toy. You do this to keep from jabbing things into your feet, cussing loudly and waking everyone up including the baby you just got to sleep. You are proud of yourself and this new found skill that will ultimately fail you around the time leggos can safely appear on the scene.

  • Getting dressed through closed eyes. Now this is big. Getting dressed BB (before baby) could be fun and required thought. Now if it doesn't smell like soured milk and it doesn't have a brown stain on it somewhere, it's clean and ready to wear.
    New parents just don't care how they look anymore. They know the zombie look isn't a turn on to others of the opposite sex even if they had the energy to be interested and they just flat are too tired to care anymore.

  • You can sleep quite well even at a fun game party where you friends yell when their team scores and you wake up with a jolt and yell, “I’m coming sweetie!”

  • Sleep while standing at the coffee pot at work. It’s a great time to steal a few minutes while you brew your second pot. Use the wall behind the pot to hold yourself up.

  • The bathroom. Ahhh, the bathroom…the one glorious time you get to sit down.

  • You can also fall asleep at a school meeting. What’s really great about that is another mom will take a tissue and wipe the drool off your chin and prop you back up if you are in danger of sliding out of your chair. School meetings are a place to find kindred spirits. Use them.

Here are some of the stupid things I do or forget to do when I am running on fumes. See if you can relate. Have you ever done this before?

  • While in the shower you can't remember if you just shampooed your hair or not. You look down at the bottle, you run your fingers through your hair, but you just can't remember. Now you are aggravated. You say to yourself, "Did I or didn't I? This is so stupid and I don't have time for this!!!" So you shampoo again.
    Now chances are you did the first time because we all do a routine in the shower and shampooing is usually one of the first things most people do, but you just flat can't remember. So you end up taking more time, use more water and run out of shampoo faster.

  • While driving to work you think of the horror stories of people wearing two different colored socks to work or worse, two different shoes! So you risk an accident by looking down to confirm that you not only have the same two pair of shoes on, but that your socks match too. The car slows down fast when you take your foot off of the accelerator to look doesn't it?

  • Someone at work or at the store points out to you that a bird crapped on your shoulder and it ran down your back. You look over your shoulder and pull up on your shirt to have a look. Then you smile, thank them and walk away. You know the truth. The baby projectile device got you again, but you are just too tired to care. Funny how you get used to the smell.

  • You stare at papers with writing or figures on them at work or at home for heaven knows how long until someone walks up to jerk you out of your stupor only for you to say, "Huh?" You stare at the words on the paper wondering what it is you’re looking at, why you are looking at it and what the heck you were supposed to do with it.

  • You forget how to spell the word, "the". You know it's a simple word. You're sure you have spelled it before, but for some reason it totally escapes you now and you are in awe of yourself and how stupid you are at the moment.
    You sit there, your brain reeling over the fact you can't remember it, wondering if maybe you are having a stroke, but you realize it's just lack of sleep.
    It eventually comes to you in an “a hah” moment and you are amazed at forgetting it in the first place. I mean who forgets how to spell the word “the”?!

  • Drive a car to a destination and no recollection of the drive. Now that's scary. You can't remember if you stopped for that red light or stop sign, etc. You do care about this one, but then again you are just grateful to have arrived so the caring thought is fleeting.

You wonder how long you can possibly last without sleep and you ask other parents around you if there is any end in sight. When they just laugh and walk away you know that didn't sound good, but hey, they are living proof you can live through it.

I found it a privilege that I was a card carrying member of the new baby = lack of sleep club and I wanted to shout it from the roof top.

But I knew if I somehow miraculously had the energy to climb on the roof I would just lay down and take a nap instead.

Yes, there will come a time when you will fondly look back and say, “Aww, remember when we brought the baby home and how precious of a time that was? I miss those days.” It may take 30 years for that amnesia to hit you, but it will.

Sweet dreams new parent. 
New parent? 
New Parent? 
Oh, I see, you fell asleep reading again, didn’t you. It’s alright. Take it when you can get it.


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